Let's play confessions.

Well, now that the April Letter Project is over, let's do something different. Let's play a game. Let's play a game of confessions.

I have a confession to make. I don't have all of the faith/religion stuff figured out.

I remember when I did have it all figured out, and it was so incredibly simple. Twelve years old. Faith was immense trusting relationship. No questions. How dare I ask questions of the God who had so lovingly saved me from Hell. I loved God wholly and thought I felt His love even more vividly. I trusted God. I believed every part of His immense mystery. Questions weren't allowed. My logic and my faith had not yet met.

And then I realized that there were questions. There were unexplainable elements of my faith. I came to face-to-face with many different doctrines and denominations. I saw the truth in them. I saw the blindness in them. My mind opened. I saw the unexplained facets of Christianity and religion in general; unexplained facets, for whom, there were no answers other than "Have faith."

I found that some questions, and their answers, go deeper than "Jesus loves you; Jesus died for you; if you obey you'll go to Heaven." But I haven't figured all of that out yet. All the "truth" about Christianity that I've been presented...some of it conflicts. So much of it is irrational and unexplained.

And I've been told that I'm arrogant for supposing that God can be shoved into my box of rationale, logic, explainable things.

But I don't think it's arrogant to search for answers at all. I think that God isn't only for lunatics. I think God has real answers, other than just, "Have faith." I think that the very essence of truth is logical. Real. Solid. Solid enough to handle hard questions and give rational answers. I think God isn't crazy. I think He has real answers and real explanations. I don't think the only answer to God's character and existence is "Have faith."

Faith is important. But don't use it to cheapen the fact that God isn't about blind belief. God is about truth. And truth is not blind belief. Truth has real answers. I think that, somewhere, God has real answers. I want to find them.

But before jumping into my questions - the vague and unanswered ones -, allow me to first say why I still believe in Christianity enough to find it worth explaining.

To start with, creation. The world around me is vastly unique and miraculous. It is beautifully intricate, whispering of origins of intelligent design. I've studied evolution intensely and I don't buy it. All of matter, in its perfect workings and deep intricacy and complicated DNA and environments very specific to the present life-forms, has been designed. This unfathomable structure, deeply specific for hosting our specific form of life, did not happen to occur. The odds are scientifically and mathematically slim or maybe impossible, but logically, this incredibly complicated and yet perfect information does not jump out of a random chemical reaction. "Creation" in and of itself breathes of a Creator. An unintelligent designer could not create such intricate intelligent life. This earth, in all of its perfect complexity, screams of God. Evolution is yet more unexplained to me than Christianity.

Creation is evidence of God to me.

The second reason for my lingering hope in God is truth itself. There is absolute truth. Even the statement "There is no absolute truth" is supposedly true. And see, the source of truth can't be relative; can't be flawed; can't be mortal; can't be selfish. So it can't be a human, because we are the very essence of relative, flawed, mortal, and selfish. Truth is timeless and unchanging and infallibly firm. How could that stem from our little group of buttholes? The basic nature of truth is too solid and absolute for us to claim. And who even defines truth? There is a certain moral code that we all agree with. If I steal your cash, you will feel wronged. Why? Because you just don't do that. It's just wrong. It just violates that standard of right and wrong.

And who defined that? Was it us? Did the first man decide to be so benevolent as to create a moral code that all subsequent humans would naturally comply with? Haaa. Right. The ability to somehow know and discern a predetermined truth is instilled in us. And how? By a cosmic explosion? Did the cosmic explosion create a buffet of truth for us too? Oh yay. I wish I had been told of this capability of chemicals when I was in chemistry class.

The last reason for my belief in God is less concrete. It's personal experience. Feeling the touch of God in my spirit. Seeing prayers miraculously answered. Watching my life go from no moral absolutes to beautifully defined boundaries. Feeling His grace wash over me and erase my broken sinfulness. And especially, looking back and seeing a gorgeous unexplained protection over my life and my entire family.

Every experience - mental, spiritual, physical - points to a grander scheme to me. It all ties together in mysterious microscopic ways. And I can't explain that any other way, either. It points to a designer.

I have questions. The vast majority of them remain unanswered. And I think I'm okay with that. I no longer feel bitter about my unanswered questions, because even with their pressing doubt, there is still an unabashed evidence for God.

Answers will come. It's not like I'm going to stop looking for them.

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