This is for the person out there who needs it tonight. Maybe it will help someone else out too. That's why I'm putting it up here.You asked me the other day why I haven't given up on you. It seems that people see that pain - the pain that you don't know what to do with - as selfish drama. I wondered about that once. If it was just a ploy for attention. I've changed my mind now. But even then, I wanted to help you. I wanted to be that one person who didn't leave you behind. That one person who stayed. That one person who begged you to stay.
I wanted to show you how important you are, somehow.
I prayed once that you would feel your veins. That your veins, and the blood and life rushing through them, would make you feel alive. I prayed that the very knowledge of life and existence would make you breathless.
And yet here you are. And now I'm having to beg you to stay alive. I sit here on my side of the screen and read about your injuries. The emotional ones, the physical ones from your dad, the emotional ones from your dad, the physical ones that you give yourself. I sit here on my side of my screen and I cry. I cry for you at 2:15 AM. I cry because you're giving up on yourself, even though I'm fighting to never give up on you.
I used to think that the worst pain was when you loved someone, and they didn't love you back. But now I don't think that. The worst pain is when you love someone, and they don't love themselves.
I guess I've realized that, as much as I adore you, I can't fix you. I can't make your dad stop. I can't make them stop fighting. I can't take your blades away when it's 3:00 in the morning and you're sick of yourself. I can't even show you just how worthwhile you are. You say that I help, but I can't be there with you. I can't stop you from taking those pills. And I wish I could. I wish I make you see the raging sparks of beauty in your soul. I wish I could show you. I wish I could take your hand and escape from the world, and then point out all the lives you've touched. All the hearts you've held. All the smiles you brought. All the hugs you've given. All the people who might be in a different place today if it weren't for you, giving of yourself, and taking their hand. Helping them heal.
And when you asked me why I don't give up on you, it made me think. Yeah. Why haven't I?
I will never give up on you. And it's because I see you for who you really are. I asked God this year to let me see people's worth - their immense wholeness - for what it really is. I guess I've seen that everybody is broken. Everybody has a story to tell. And so do you. But I've also seen that the shards of your brokenness aren't your definition. They don't define you. You only see your shallow hurts. You don't see the beautiful colors and vivid wholeness underneath.
I see you for who you really are. I don't see you through your distorted lenses. I see you. You. The person who never gave up on me. The person who still won't.
And if you love me as much as you say you do, then I'm begging you. Don't leave. Stay. Don't you dare give up on me. Don't you dare give up on you. Don't you dare listen to the voices that shatter your worth. I don't give up on you because you're worth more than that. And I can see that. It's glaringly evident. I don't give up on you because I see how lovely you are. I don't give up on you because I remember your smile and your arms around my neck. I don't give up on you because I remember your laugh, and how you were when you had hope. I don't give up on you because you are still breathing. And your very breath is hope. As long as you're here, I have no reason to give up on you. I don't give up on you because I once was where you are, and you never gave up on me.
I don't give up on you because I love you. I believe in you. I believe that we can do this, together. And I'm going to fight for you, even when you won't.
The worst pain is when you love somebody and they don't love themselves. You don't know how lovely you are. But that doesn't stop me from seeing it. And I will keep seeing it, and I will keep choosing to fight for you.
And so don't you dare give up on this. I've fought with you at midnight about hurting yourself. I've called you in desperation to make sure you're okay. I've cried with you in my mind a thousand times. I've held your hand beside a hospital bed in my worst of dreams. I've wrapped my arms around you in-person, and I've seen you when hope glimmers in your eyes. I watched you laugh like an idiot as you laid on the floor of that library at 9:00 PM, with our friends. I've stayed. And I swear to god that you can't make me leave. I don't give up on people. You're not worth giving up on. You are worth fighting for. I'm not just saying that. You are worth all my time and more. I've stayed. And I will keep staying. And I want you to stay here with me. You will be okay. Don't just give up on it.
God knows you're worth it.
And I won't ever give up.
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