So.
I learned that even when you think you couldn't get on without somebody, you can. I learned that "indispensable people" are completely dispensable. I learned that if somebody never really meant a lot to you, it's easier to say goodbye to them. But I also learned that even someone you hate can leave a hole in your heart. And I learned that once you trust somebody, you can't untrust them. So if you're going to share your deepest secrets, do it oh so carefully. Or don't. I learned that it's possible to feel a void from something you've never had. I learned that, at the end of the day, you have to be your own biggest fan. I learned that even if no one else believes in you, if you believe in yourself and mostly just press ahead, you can make it.
I learned that it's possible to feel the most alone in a crowd of people. I learned that everything here is painfully temporary: love and heartbreak alike. I also learned that people can become old news quickly. And yet it's not the new wonders that have the deepest beauty; it's the ones that you stay with over time that end up having the most consuming beauty. I learned that independence is sweet. I learned that friends are sweeter. I learned that if you have something to say, just say it. Even if it's nerve-wracking, honesty has never caused the world to end. But I also learned what's it's like for another person to be your entire world, and I learned that honesty sometimes does undermine that world. I learned that silence says way more than words. I learned how to set boundaries with people. I learned that one person can influence everything else in your life.
I learned that hellos can be scarier than goodbyes. But I also learned that saying goodbye is one of the last things I ever want to do again. I learned to savor laughter, because it's rare. But I also learned to savor tears, because they help you grow. I learned that maturity gets easier with practice, but it also feels a little bit like dying. I learned that loneliness has a way of deepening you as a person and helping you discern the truly lovely things in the world. I learned that sometimes humanness overcomes even the deepest-set morality. And I learned that grace finds you even still. I learned that simply a hug can mean the world. And somehow, amidst all this, I've learned how to be really happy.
Yep. A lot can happen in a year. And this one has been the most full, lovely, and yet stretching one yet. I wouldn't go back and change anything. Because I've learned that everything has been sovereignly allowed to happen, and it all has broken me, reshaped me, and lifted me: making me who I am.
And I've learned to be really okay with that.
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