Things I've Learned.

It just so happens that I am rapidly approaching my 18th birthday. And comparing my 17th birthday with this one, I've realized that I have learned more than I notice. The year isn't over yet,  but I've learned a ton this year. Some of it surprised me. Some it didn't. Some it makes me smile, and some of it makes me shrug. Some of it was kind of meh. But lessons learned are good: even the painful ones add to your repertoire of things you know.

So.

I learned that even when you think you couldn't get on without somebody, you can. I learned that "indispensable people" are completely dispensable. I learned that if somebody never really meant a lot to you, it's easier to say goodbye to them. But I also learned that even someone you hate can leave a hole in your heart. And I learned that once you trust somebody, you can't untrust them. So if you're going to share your deepest secrets, do it oh so carefully. Or don't. I learned that it's possible to feel a void from something you've never had. I learned that, at the end of the day, you have to be your own biggest fan. I learned that even if no one else believes in you, if you believe in yourself and mostly just press ahead, you can make it.

I learned that it's possible to feel the most alone in a crowd of people. I learned that everything here is painfully temporary: love and heartbreak alike. I also learned that people can become old news quickly. And yet it's not the new wonders that have the deepest beauty; it's the ones that you stay with over time that end up having the most consuming beauty. I learned that independence is sweet. I learned that friends are sweeter. I learned that if you have something to say, just say it. Even if it's nerve-wracking, honesty has never caused the world to end. But I also learned what's it's like for another person to be your entire world, and I learned that honesty sometimes does undermine that world. I learned that silence says way more than words. I learned how to set boundaries with people. I learned that one person can influence everything else in your life.

I learned that hellos can be scarier than goodbyes. But I also learned that saying goodbye is one of the last things I ever want to do again. I learned to savor laughter, because it's rare. But I also learned to savor tears, because they help you grow. I learned that maturity gets easier with practice, but it also feels a little bit like dying. I learned that loneliness has a way of deepening you as a person and helping you discern the truly lovely things in the world. I learned that sometimes humanness overcomes even the deepest-set morality. And I learned that grace finds you even still. I learned that simply a hug can mean the world. And somehow, amidst all this, I've learned how to be really happy.

Yep. A lot can happen in a year. And this one has been the most full, lovely, and yet stretching one yet. I wouldn't go back and change anything. Because I've learned that everything has been sovereignly allowed to happen, and it all has broken me, reshaped me, and lifted me: making me who I am.

And I've learned to be really okay with that.

_